right now

i'm three different people

1) the person people want me to be - She's there to help, and cry to. She'll listen to anything you have to say and will always help out. She's always smiling and laughing and you always expect her to say something for you to laugh at and you always expect her to laugh at what you say. If you cry, you expect her to dry your tears each time. You don't ever expect her to have problems herself, as she's there to sort out your problems each times. She knows the answer to every situation you are in. She's never upset and she always looks on the sunny side of a downpour. She isn't scared of anything, and never has fears. She's perfect.

2) the person i actually am - i have a lot more problems then people expect me to have, and i don't have the answers all the time. I get scared about a lot of things and I worry too much. I don't always smile and i don't always want to laugh, that's just the way it is. I have problems too, and i want someone to cry to. I want help just as much as you do. When I'm the person who listens to everyone, you find it hard to listen to me. I never see the sunny side of a downpour, because i can be very pessimistic it's just who i am.

3) the person i want to be - She's a kind, warm-hearted kind of person. She knows how to handle her problems and the situations she gets in. She knows not to panic at everything, and to balance good from bad instead of letting one negative emotion pull her down. She's very optimistic, but understands it's okay to feel down once in a while. She understands that not everyone is going to be there all the time, without questioning why. She doesn't feel alone, and is comfortable with expressing her emotions to people. She will know the answers and she will help those who need her.

That's why, i'm asking people to please leave me whilst i try to become the person i want to be. I want to be a better person, I want to change. what's wrong with changing for the better?
I'm sorry that this blog isn't very cheery. it's just fact.
It's about time I start taking responsibility


Listening to: What Gets You Through the Night - theAUDITION
Name Drop: -

that's the best thing

i've ever thought.

So it's 10:13 right now and i've had no sleep and i'm really sick which could be because of my new hamster (but hopefully not ]:). I can think it's safe to say that i'm not in the best of moods, but you understand right? I'm not exactly angry or upset or anything, funnily enough i don't get like that after no sleep i just carry on as usual.
But anyway, like I was saying it's rather early in the day which isn't the best of my life. And I'm sat here listening to panic at the disco something that i didn't think i'd be doing. I just don't like them so much anymore. But yes, Northern Downpour is on repeat and i literally was just thinking of how i'm hanging out more with people i only ever saw once in a blue moon. Just made me think how much i actually love my friends and I don't reckon i've told them enough times that they mean everything to me. I don't want this blog to be too cliche, just that i love them and they've made me who i am today for the better. No, I may not have the greatest friends in the entire world and they probably wouldn't battle sea monsters for me, they'd probably take pictures and post them on twitter. Yes, they will embarrass me at every opportunity possible. But they are the greatest people i could ask for, and they make my world.

So anyway, this was just a quick blog to say how much i love you guys, each one of you. Every person i have the honour to call friend and privilege to share memories and inside jokes with. Every person to have ever made me laugh, or laughed with me. You are great. Keep on living.

Name Drop: Sweeney the hamster :D
Listening to: Northern Downpour - Panic at the Disco

I'm so fed up

of everybody asking me if i've heard of 3OH!3 or Hollywood Undead. Or if I've heard their new single, Don't Trust Me or Young.

Tbh, Don't Trust Me isn't a new single for me, nor Young. I have been listening to both bands for about 2 years now and it annoys me that people have to ask if i've heard their new song!

I owned the Hollywood Undead album Swan Songs way before it came out in the UK and even then I was waiting for about a year and half to get it. The same goes for 3OH!3 it just hasn't been released over here. I plan to get that too before it's released here.

So to round it up, yes I have heard Don't Trust Me and Young and any other Hollywood Undead or 3OH!3 song you care to throw my way thinking I haven't heard it. Stop asking me you foolish idiots.

It's not that I don't enjoy their success over here in the UK. I remember just last december asking people if they've heard of Hollywood Undead and they all replied with the same answer 'who?'. With HU being one of my favourite bands (losing out to the obvious, Lostprophets) there is nothing greater seeing a small band progress to the point that they can achieve the media's attention over here in the UK. Especially to the point another of my favourite bands, The Blackout, can take them on tour meaning I got the chance to see them live which yes, made my life. The same goes for 3OH!3. I couldn't be happier that they have both achieved success in the UK.

The thing that annoys me is that people love them now because they're becoming a big band, yet they didn't listen to me when I told them to check them out way before the scene. Just because a band isn't big doesn't mean they won't become it one day. Then they suddenly think this band is the greatest in the world. Well where were you when they needed the support? To spread the word about said band?

So now I'm scared to like a band incase they get ruined my teenyboppers over here in the UK. It's happened 3 times now, will it actually ever stop?

Stop asking me you fucking 5-minute fans. I HAVE listened to them. I HAVE been listening to them for a while now. I WILL carry on listening to them.

Name Drop: Charley Merrill

Listening to: Intensity in Ten Cities (Chiodos Cover) - Cameron Kush

I truely think

that Ivy Levan is one of the most gorgeous people to walk this world.
She is so pretty and i wish i could be her at times.
I wish i did my art project on her
(icons and idols)

that may sound kiss-assy or whatever, but it's my thoughts.

went to see Hollywood Undead support The Blackout in Liverpool last night (thurs, 28th of may 09) and holycrap it's everything i thought it would be and more. They were epic, both bands. Yes, I realise there were other support bands and I regret not checking them out but I was only really there for HU and TBO, judge me?
and to the girls that were with us throughout the show (L) you were epic :D

anyway, i'm too tired to do this
hope you're all well
x

Name Drop: Ivy Levan
Listening to: Better Together - Jack Johnson

g'bye shav

Class of 09; Shavington High 04 - 09
i will miss everyone of you.
those i talk to daily, and those i don't talk to at all
we've made it, class of 09.

so, that's it. an era of my life over. 5 years.
i have 7 exams left, and then school is done with and on to college
prom was the best ever and everyone looked so nice.
it was so upsetting leaving everybody and getting hugs
and i truly wish you all the best in college
and i hope you have a great time.

Although throughout high school i've hated going to lessons
and been miserable
i'll miss it all
from shit teachers to shit lessons
college won't be the same.

so onward with life
shavington high school
i will miss you x

As you may know

it's my birthday in 8 days, and I'm so excited :D
nothing unusual about being excited for your own birthday, right?
WRONG. I've never been excited for my own birthday, it's a long dark road that isn't fun for anyone to go down.
As a birthday surprise I've been told to have my train pass coz we're going somewhere new and I don't have a clue where, so should i be scared? hells yeh i should.
Also, for my birthday I went to the Give It A Name festival and holy cow I will never forget that. Nothing in my life will beat that weekend. I just want to say a HUUUUUUUUUUGE thank you to Bek, Charlesp. and Perse, you guys are seriously the best. I loved the whole weekend but one est in particular stood out for me, and that was the blackout. Holy Cow. Also I'm in love with a new band, Emery. Dan Parry, sir, you are a legend. They were aMAZZZZZing.
I'm still yet to believe I've seen Taking Back Sunday and met Adam. Also meeting the king blues, you guys have quickly become one of my favourite bands.
This previous weekend has been one of the best ever.

Talking of the blackout, and going to see them... may 20th :D :D :D supported by HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD. The only way to make that gig better: throw in lostprophets and it's my 3 favourite bands. Which has got me all the more excited for their new album (both the blackout and lostprophets) especially after reading Jamie's blog.

Anyway, i had better go and get covered in different magazines of this world and hope to call it art.
peace.


Listening to: I've Got Better Things to do Tonight Than Die - The Blackout
Name Drop: Adam Lazzara

It's been a while

a long while in fact, and I've missed your face (:
so sorry I've neglected you.

I have many updates, but they can wait for another day. The latest, however, is I've just tested whether washing your hair in milk makes it softer.

For me, it worked alot my hair is really soft right now and I can't really smell any trace of the milk. When I first washed it, it makes your hair feel really sticky and horrid and it is rather cold on your head if you're not showering in a warm shower. I used a bit of shampoo afterwards to take some of the stickiness away. Whilst drying my hair I felt an immediate change of how it normally feels, it felt much softer. After all my hair was dry it was much softer then, well, ever. Washing your hair in a natural form may not be for you, if not I strongly suggest something in the Gliss brand. My hair instantly felt softer after using it once between washing my hair with silver shampoo (for blonds). However, in conclusion I personally suggest you should try it at least once and see it if works out for you if not you could always rinse it out with your normal shampoo and conditioner.

I don't know the in's and out's of it yet, but I'm guessing not to use milk often to wash your hair mainly as it's used for much more efficient things such as in your cuppah. However, I believe it would ruin your hair etc, etc.


I'm gunnah start testing other natural forms for beauty tips. It's always worth a shot. Vinegar is next on the list, I'll get back to you on how that works out.

If you have any more for me just hit me up...
and no beer suggestions, there's one that i am NOT trying.


Listening to - Thatcher f**ked the kids - Frank Turner (192 days ;D x)
Name Drop: Keir Welsh

xo

My Brain

is exploding;

Chips + dips.
Packets
maps
dancing
insects
toothbrush
ceiling
castles
scissors
breathbreathbreath
fences
hairdye
haircut
9
9
9
9
9
cows
chain
music makes you lose control.
friends
post-its
medication
flags
clouds
misery
crashing down
buildings
skylines
childhood
glowsticks
it's not so bad afterall


I can't explain these last two weeks
i just love you.



Listening to: my thoughts
Name drop: Ashton Kutcher
xo

Beneath

all the numbers and figures and formulas is a small town girl with ambitions of big city dreams.

For the first time in a while, I tuned into the news to discover hope. In amongst all the bad news that could depress even Mr. Happy, that one news report stuck out. I know that American politics has little to do with me being English, and I won't make a change in their government but the fact that a pratical nation has hope in this one person is... unbelievable really. I get it, not everybody is for Barack Obama, and if they were there wouldn't be a need for elections. It just made me feel a bit of hope that under all of these pages of math that I don't understand, there is a hope that I come out on top.

I just think that my brain has exploded and i'm bursting out math.



Listening to: -
Name drop: Chad Michael Murray

For that girl

who I have the honour of calling my best friend (:

I don't have a fancy pen and a notebook to write down words, and even if I did I wouldn't know what to put. I'd probably be fasinated by the pen and start writing about that. I can't pull the moon from the sky or catch the stars in my hands, and I can't paint a picture with a rainbow. I wish I could part the seas and have the swans sing to you. I wish I could give you every flower in the world to prove to you how beautiful you make my life, but then what would be left for the beauty in life? I can't take you to all these places in those books and I can't make the sunshine any brighter. But there is a place in my imagination and there it's perfect, where the only sound is laughter and the only feeling is love. Where we can sit by the seaside listening to Jimmy Robbins and Backseat Goodbye on repeat all night and warm by a campfire. We'd never have to leave because we wouldn't want to. The planes overhead would leave behind a package of warm feeling and joyment. I'd wrap you around in a blanket of my feelings and thoughts of happiness and that would be the only load on your shoulders you would ever need. The blanket is blue in case you're wondering. We could eat ice lollies in the day and warm up with hot chocolate at night and nothing would be out of place. Instead of any new mp3 or ipod in our pockets we'd have mix tapes we made over the years and play them daily.

On a canvas so white and new, I'd paint you what I see when I think about you and the things you've done for me. The beautiful night sky would dominate the page dotted with bright yellow stars and a rainbow would burst out of the darkness filled to the brim with clear happiness. And under a low mist of cloud, I'd paint two figures and only two. They'd be laying there simply star gazing and enjoying life. That would be me and you, enjoying the simple things in life. That's what you do, you make me appreciate the small things.

"my name is Coist and I'm your biggest fan" (:



Listening to: Anyone Else But You - Jake Germany
Name Drop: Rebekah Phillips (:
xo

Lies

lieslieslies should be written in a speechbubble coming out of your mouth. That's all I hear from you, is pure lies.

Stop strutting about the place, thinking everyone cares for poor little you. I couldn't IMAGINE the pain you're going through, it's quite clear to you that this doesn't happen to anyone else other then you. Let's escelate things to the maximum? Honey, there's a time and way to do that and you're failing miserably. Tape up your mouth, padlock it and throw away the key, coz you aint welcome in my life. I have no time for bullsh!tters.

As to anyone else to believe these lies that are pouring out of their mouth, I hope you gain your memory and hearts back.



Listening to: Black Dahlia - Hollywood Undead (yeh, i listen to them ALOT)
Name Drop: Craig Thomson, you make me sad D:

xo

let's get

out of here and go to a place where noone can do us harm. Pain won't be allowed and heartbreak is against the law. We'll bleed out rainbows and our tears will create a ladder to the skies, where we can look down on our world and laugh til we sleep in the clouds. The Sun will wake us up with a good morning and the moon will be just as beautiful with a good night, but both know they can't compare to your smile or eyes. The sound of your voice will sing a song we can dance to and throw away our cares into a recycle bin where they can become a dream.

I have friends that tear at me, wanting and begging for me to be somebody different to breakfree of this fake skin I'm in and maybe one day I will but for now we'll whistle a innocent tune to remind us of better days and days that have yet to come. The future is bright and anything before we arrive doesn't exist. I am not me, and you are not you but we are us, and together we are happy. We can fly through the air leaving stars behind us so we can gaze at night and thinking 'we created something beautiful' right before we fall asleep, smiles across faces.
Blinking won't be allowed so then I can't miss a single moment with you. I'll buy you and me a one way ticket and we'll never have to return. We can live like this forever



Listening to: Everywhere I go - Hollywood Undead
xo

Just had

possibly the best conversation with Beaks ever, and I totally did her a bedtime story which goes something like this...


there was once a handsome lord called sean and he was walking through the forests of wales on the back of his noble sheep with his best fran, sir jimmy. They came across a rat and blob and the sheep scared them away. 'so sir jimmy, where to?' asked lord sean, 'i hear a lady awaits in crewe for you lord sean' sir jimmy replied. So off they trotted to crewe to meet lady rebekah. Jimmy instantly fell in love with her but felt bad for lord sean, however lady rebekah had a plan 'back in wales there is a prince waiting for you by the name of sir ian of watkins' and so off lord sean went and they all lived happily ever after

I think it's pretty cool (:



Listening to: Bottle and a Gun - Hollywood Undead
xo

This is a really

long shot, but it's worth a try.

Can you imagine a town?
A small town.
And a hurricane hits and destroys everything in it's path, the town is destroyed and the citizens are stunned mentally. However they find out this hurricane is imaginary, didn't exist but the destroy still does and so does their fragile state
Weird, huh? Sometimes life isn't what it seems. Once you have something figured out something else happens to turn life on it's side.

That long shot? Well here goes...

If you are somewhere out there please come back home, if somehow you can read this then we miss you terribly. Please, there has to be a way to work around this, I...he... we all want to know that you're safe and you don't have to stick around for long. I know you're out there somewhere and I hope you're happy with the life you decided to live, but please check up on me, him, us?

Thank you
xo


Listening to: Mr Brightside - Tommy Reilly

So there's this person

that I know. He feels as if noone notices him anymore, as his 'friends' have isolated him and his family have given up on him. He can't tell his girlfriend anything because he knows how she'd react and that would be the worst thing possible. He can't stand himself sometimes and it kills me knowing that. I don't know why he's told me this, and in a horrid way I wish I didn't know. Alot of things have happened to him and he's said that noone would quite understand how he feels, but that's okay. He's brave sometimes and just goes out there into a world he sees fake and just smiles. I admire his courage sometimes. I wish I knew what to do about him.

I guess I needed to get it out there instead of keeping it to myself, hopefully he won't regret me saying. I hope not, for some reason he finds trust in me.


Listening to: The Diary - Hollywood Undead

xo

In a month

of complete blur, how come you didn't stand out like the star you are?

It seems there's been alot that has happened since we last spoke and you deserve to know everything, so grab a cup of coffee, pull up a seat and lean in.

First of all was him. The biggest tw@ you will ever know of (pardon the name, but he doesn't deserve a real name like the rest of us) and there is no excuse why he even breathes the same air as someone like you, or walks the same earth. He pulled the moves and ruled over me. He blinded me from who I truely needed, and already had. He led the moves, to decide it was nothing and that he'll whore around some other poor lass. Good luck to her. I don't know what it was about him but it hurt more then any other time some guy had done this to me. It hurt me, and it had been a long time since I've been like that especially over some TW@. Then I learnt he was going to be in the same place as I was, and I wasn't happy. Infact I was full of anger in his direction, and on the day I felt sick and twisted that I just couldn't handle it. I was overreacting, it turned out more okay then I thought, but it was still horrid.
But then somebody entered into my life again. Okay so without going into detail who he is basically he's a friend of another dxckhead. When we first met over half a year ago, I was into him like crazy I just never made anything of it. It was later into the night, that TW@ was staring at me, not just casually looking over at me but full on staring with his friends. I ignored him and some obvious comments he was making about me, until this other guy made a mock insult so I walked in the same direction as where tw@ was standing. He quickly looked away, but the best site of the night was differently when this other guy hugged me, I managed to look at TW@ and his face was of jealousy and disgust. whatalaugh.

Another low point this past month, you almost lost me. Infact even worse, I almost lost you. Me and my friend were on our way back from a Slipknot concert and had actually survived (you'll find the irony of that in a minute) and we were in the car on the way home driving along Middlewhich Road. As you probably don't know, Middlewhich Road is one of the most dangerous roads in my area with over 100 accidents in the past 3 years. Which is exactly what happened to us, we hit ice and swirved off the road. We did a full flip in the car, and luckily landed up right in a field. No car had been coming the other way, thank god. So, the irony? Me and my friend went to SLIPKNOT and came out unharmed, but crashed on the way back. Some people in this world are only capable of that, and we're 2 of them.

I guess the message in a way is that even though crappy things happen, things do have a brightside. You just have to find that brightside.

Also on the brightside, it was my nearest and dearest Beaky's 16th birthday.

The usual applies, I hope you had a hollywood christmas and an undead new year.